I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Randomize
