apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
