I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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