I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
