What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Randomize
