dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
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