Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I have already put on my inside pants.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
