Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
We're too hungover to prance.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
