I will die if light touches me.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
