well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
