I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
