the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
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