She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
