I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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