I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
