I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
