he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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