remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
