Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
