i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
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