I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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