I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
