I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
