I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Randomize