pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
