the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
