peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Randomize
