I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
