I wish I only lived at night.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
