Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
