I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
