Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
