He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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