I hate your face
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
