Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
