Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
