she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
