Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
