Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize