apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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