I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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