You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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