After last night, I could never be a politician.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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