i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
