im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
