also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Randomize
