I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
this is an emotional support booty call
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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