I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Just high enough for therapy.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize