no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
