I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Randomize
