1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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