I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
