I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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